


leave this blue neighborhood

by lily_lovely



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Hatred, also every troye sivan song is actually about malec fun fact, camille is mentioned, i just put major character death bc it talks about jocelyn dying, idk if you would call it ptsd but something like that, it ends happy thought!!!, like is that still a thing idk i haven't done this in so long omfg, mentions of abuse, no one actually dies in the fic, some other warnings would be, trauma reaction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-15 15:55:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11234268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lily_lovely/pseuds/lily_lovely
Summary: i originally posted this on tumblr after i wrote it post-2x04, but i never did post it here bc i thought i was going to make a different account: turns out i'm too lazy so it's just going up here. anyways this is set after alec realizes the demon killed jocelyn while it was in his body. mentions of her death and a lot of trauma/PTSD surrounding his feelings of guilt with that. if angst isn't your thing then i wouldn't read, but it does end happily w a malec kiss :) canon-compliant as of when it was written right after 2x04 (as far as i remember, i'm not great at keeping track of canon details but mostly it should be)





	leave this blue neighborhood

_The one thing I feel sure about right now is you._

“Alec?”

He barely registers Jace saying his name as he stares down at his little sister, looking so small and helpless in the infirmary bed.  Alec doesn’t understand how any of this happened—Izzy ending up stabbed by Clary to save their lives, Lydia unconscious in the next bed, Jocelyn…

“Hey, Alec, look at me.”

Jocelyn is dead because of him. Because he didn’t figure it out in time, because he wasn’t fast enough, or strong enough. Or good enough.

Alec finally looks up to see his parabatai’s worried glance, and as glad as Alec is (somewhere, past all this blankness) to have his brother back, something itchy under his skin is screaming that Alec needs to get out of here. Before he loses it.

He reaches out—there’s a little lag where it feels like his arm won’t respond to his mental commands—to grasp Jace’s hand.

“Jace…I-I know you just got back, and so much is…going on, but—”

“But you need to go?”

Alec looks up at Jace, and in that one stare, he knows Jace understands completely. That their bond is stronger than ever, and that Jace knows he needs to be away from the Institute to put himself back together again.

“You’ll look after Izzy, right? Make sure she heals okay?”

“Of course. Go do your thing, just—”

Alec cracks a thin smile. “Watch out for demons?”

Jace laughs hoarsely. “Yeah. Exactly.”

~ ~ ~

Alec strides through the Institute hallways, automatically taking the quickest route possible with the lowest chance of running into anyone, keeping his head down in case. Until he can sort this through, until he can get far enough away that the buzzing in his head dies down and he can make sense of any of this, he doesn’t want to see another Shadowhunter.

He pats his pockets to make sure he has his stele, bow, blade, phone…

Phone.

Alec pulls his phone out of his jacket, barely registering that he’s already left the Institute and is stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. He blinks and rubs his gritty eyes to make sure he’s not hallucinating somehow.

_Missed call – Magnus Bane, 12:09am_

_Missed call – Magnus Bane, 12:17am_

_Missed call – Magnus Bane, 12:31am_

_One unread message – Magnus Bane_

Somehow, seeing that Magnus has been trying to reach him doesn’t fill him with anxiety or confusion—it’s like a noise that had been ringing constantly inside his head suddenly switches off. Alec finds himself grinning a little despite everything. Just knowing Magnus is out there thinking about him makes him feel a little warmer.

A mundane shoves past him and looks back at him curiously—right. He’s standing in the middle of the sidewalk, totally out in the open. Alec shakes his head at himself as he tucks into an alley, quickly activating his silencing and invisibility runes—he knows he’s acting like a total novice, running out of the Institute without barely a thought. Somehow, that thought feels distant enough that he can’t summon the energy to care.

Hands shaking a little, he swipes his phone open to read the text from Mangus.

_Alexander…I know you’re probably busy with your demon hunting_

_But if you get a chance this evening…_

_Would you call me?_

Alec barely finishes reading the message before he’s frantically stabbing at the phone icon beside Magnus’ contact name.

~ ~ ~

Magnus may have indulged in a few more martinis after sending Camille through the portal.

He knows it’s fairly pathetic to send such a desperate-sounding late-night text to a man he hasn’t even gone on a proper date with yet…but the events of the night seem to have ripped open far too many old wounds.

“ _The fear of loneliness has always been your Achilles’ heel.”_

He digs his nails into his palm, a swirl of memories clouding his mind. So much loss, so many he can’t protect as well as he should, so much darkness—Magnus can feel Camille’s silky, poisonous voice in his ear.

“ _You don’t deal well losing those you love, do you?”_

He lets his head fall between his knees, taking in shallow breaths as he tries to force out the avalanche of doubts and fears crashing over him. He should just go to bed, hope that Alec will just ignore his messages, come up with a clever line to brush it all away tomorrow—

Magnus whips his head up as his ringtone for Alec blares through his apartment— _leave this blue neighborhood, never knew loving could hurt this good—_ and dives across his couch to snatch up his phone. He takes a deep breath, softening at the picture he’d forgotten he’d taken of Alec and set as his contact photo.

They’d been at some Institute meeting, and Magnus had pretended to check his hair on his phone camera while sneakily taking pictures of Alec, while he stared at Magnus and thought he didn’t notice… _cause when you look like that, I’ve never ever wanted to be so bad_ …right! Phone!

Magnus hurries to answer the call.

“Alexander, how are you?”

“Hey, Magnus. Um. Not—not the best. Ah—how are you?”

“Alec, where are you?” Magnus frowns when there’s no immediate response. “Are you still there? Alec!”

“Yeah—yeah, I’m here.” Magnus’ heart clenches at how dazed and lost he sounds. “Um, I just don’t know exactly…I kind of just started walking when I left the Institute.” Alec lets out a sigh. “What did you want to talk about?”

“Me? Nothing, I just—I wanted to make sure everything went okay, but it sounds like…what do you see near you?”

Magnus has already put the call on speaker and started pulling up Alec’s GPS location from his phone.

“Ah…I guess I’m near a park? Hang on…I’m looking for a sign…wait, why do you ask?”

“Never mind, just stay where you are, okay?”

“What—ah!”

~ ~ ~

Alec nearly drops his phone when Magnus portals directly in front of him.

“How did—I thought—”

Magnus quirks his lips in a small grin that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “I got your location from the call, and I’ve been here before, so…it seemed quicker.”

Alec backs up and sinks onto the bench behind him. “Didn’t even…know phones could do that…fuck, you scared me!”

Magnus widens his eyes slightly and takes a seat next to him—part of Alec wishes he had sat closer, but most of him is glad Magnus is letting him have a little breathing room.

“Sorry, I know that was probably…that I’m a bit much. But you shouldn’t be out here by yourself right now. It’s not safe.”

Alec crosses his arms around his chest, feeling a heavy pang in his heart. “Yeah. I know. Listen, Magnus, there’s something you should know.” He starts bouncing his leg, cracking his knuckles, trying to expel all this energy out of himself so he can find a way to tell Magnus. “Jocelyn…Jocelyn’s dead. I killed her when the demon in the Institute possessed me.”

Alec can feel himself sweating, can feel all the emotions rising up from where the blanket of numbness had tamped them down. He stares into the peaceful, quiet park, out at the trees, up at the moon, focus dancing as he tries to think about anything besides what he’s saying, and how Magnus will react.

“Izzy and Lydia are badly hurt…so much else could have gone wrong, and I-I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t hurt Izzy when that demon was taking over her. Clary was the one who…”

Alec hadn’t even realized he was crying until he feels Magnus gently wiping the tears off his cheeks. “You did the best you could, Alexander. You couldn’t have known this would happen. Demons like that are incredibly difficult to fight against, and in your line of work…”  Alec hears Magnus swallow, and feels a stab of sorrow in his gut. “Jocelyn knew the risks.  She would never have blamed you.”

Alec knows he’s being weak, that he’s showing too much, but he can’t seem to stop it from spilling out of him. “Magnus, I—how do I live with that? We looked back on the tapes, and I know it wasn’t me but…I saw myself killing her.” Alec ducks his head, swiping at his face roughly. “She was your friend, she was Clary’s mom and…how can anyone trust me again?”

~ ~ ~

Magnus had felt a surge of protective instincts a few times tonight—when Raphael came to his door covered in bloody marks, when Simon spat out his anger at Camille—but this moment feels unique from the others. He wants to protect Alec, yes, but somehow…even though Magnus hasn’t shared any of tonight’s events with him yet, he knows that he wants to.  And somehow the idea of sharing himself with Alec in return isn’t as horrifying as it should be.

He reaches out to grasp Alec’s hand, trying to ignore the rush of sparks that flow through him as he attempts to gather the right words. “I know what it’s like to truly regret things you’ve done, Alec. To feel like no matter how hard you fight, you end up losing in some way.”

Magnus feels Alec hesitantly turn towards him, but Magnus keeps his eyes ahead. He needs to make sure he says this _right_.

“When you’ve lived as long as I have, the only way to get through your regrets, to get through all the loss and the pain, is to keep moving forward. To know that you always have new chances.”

At the feeling of Alec’s other hand covering their clasped ones, Magnus can’t help but look over to him. His eyes are shiny again, but there’s a warmth to Alec’s gaze that reassures Magnus that he’s not just spewing useless platitudes, that he’s helping to comfort him in some way.

“Tonight, I had to make a choice, and I don’t know if it was the best decision. I think it was, but sometimes it feels like every move I make has unforeseen consequences.  That I’m always hurting someone.” He takes a shuddering breath, glancing down at their hands and gently laying his remaining hand over their clasp.

“The one thing I feel sure about right now is you.”

~ ~ ~

Alec knows that later, he’s going to make sure to ask about Magnus’ night, about why he called, and that he’s going to try to listen and be there for Magnus in the same way. He knows that he should offer to do that now, that it’s only fair, but…the sunshine that began blooming in his chest when Magnus started talking is now bursting out of him at those last precious words, and they’re ringing in his ears like a mantra— _the one thing I feel sure about right now is you, the one thing I feel sure about right now is you, the one thing I feel sure about right now is you—_ and Alec knows that he doesn’t have the words to tell Magnus how grateful he is, how lucky he feels to have Magnus beside him at this moment.

So he decides to try showing him instead.

They’ve kissed before, but somehow, Alec could swear this one is truly magical.

~ ~ ~

“You’re not too much, you know. You’re the perfect amount.”

Magnus is focused intently on tracing Alec’s neck rune reverently with his fingers. “Hmmm?”

Alec smiles softly and catches his fingertips. “Before? When you portaled, you said you were sorry if it was too much…but you’re not. I—I want more.”

Magnus bites his lip to keep his grin from cracking his jaw. “Yeah? You sure about that? Not everything is quite so attractive as what you’ve seen.”

Alec interlocks their fingers, pulling Magnus up to stand with him. “Yeah, I’m sure. I want to see all of you.”

Magnus hopes that his smile conveys a little of how much that means to him—to hear that someone actually wants the whole him, not just the parts that are convenient or sparkly or useful.

“Keep it up and you just might see all of me soon."

Alec blushes hard. “I meant—you know I meant that in a different—”

“I know, Alexander.  Thank you.  Really.”

Alec leans into him, grinning.  “But maybe I meant it in more ways than one.”


End file.
